I am afraid to grow old. And I am afraid of dying.

She's a whore. I pimp her out.

Okay so my last post may have been a little dramatic, but shit it's so hard to be optimistic about cancer when I lost one of the most special people in my life to it. ...she wasn't supposed to die.

Anyways, I'm sorry for being so negative. Cancer does suck, but it's really important to be optimistic in times like these, and I realize that. I've been having a tough first semester this year--got pretty sick the second week in, landing myself in the ER. The week after that I got strep throat, but I didn't know it was strep so I did nothing to take care of it until the following week...so painful. Anyways, I've had pretty much a different illness every week (I guess that's what working two jobs with kids and being a full-time college student will do to you), and now we only have 4 weeks of school left!!! That's nothing! Then it's winter break and then January 17th I'm off to Paris for the semester! It's amazing to think that I'll be living in France next semester...I've missed spending time there, and I miss my family there so much.

To be honest, I'm really scared--a year ago I would never have second guessed this move, but now that I don't have Grandmere to go to when I feel homesick, I don't really know what to do. France will be so different without her... All my memories of that country are memories that have been made with her. I traveled much of that country with her. I remember when I was little-she was living in a beautiful house in Arcachon at the time-she would take me to this "animal park" of sorts called La Cocinelle (that means ladybug in french). It was pretty much a petting zoo-you'd buy the animal food before you went in, and then you could feed them as much as you want. She'd always buy me the biggest food bag available-cuz she'd spoil me like that-and I'd always end up spilling it when we got to the section with the goats. Those goats were fucking crazy...I had really long hair back then, and they wanted to eat that more than they wanted to eat the food. That park still exists-actually, I think me and my dad drove past it last time I went to france (last april when I went to say goodbye to her).

This blog isn't for me to complain about my life, it's just to share with you guys what's goin on with all the drama. I love drama...not going to lie. Well, I love most drama. My life is drama filled--one thing after another. I work, I go to school, I fight with my friends, I fight with my parents, I party...I do the same shit most college students do, but I just choose to share it all. Of course I'm gonna complain about shit, but just be aware that this blog is not just for me to vent.

Okay, so i'm a little tipsy right now...I wasn't when I wrote those last few paragraphs, but now I am.

So, let's get all philosophical and shit here--is "philosophical" the right word? hmmm. So ANYWAYS, I think that I've finally figured out who my real friends are this semester. People can be so deceiving! I spent the last two years of my life practically in a relationship with my best friend, and this year we have a pretty serious fight and that's the end of it...2 years down the drain practically. At first, i was so confused and so sad and i didn't know what to do with myself...now, I've learned to cope. I lost someone who I had a lot of trust in--it SUCKS, but hey, I guess that's life...and shouldn't I have been expecting that? Gotten fucked over enough times in my life that I should know not to trust anyone...lame. I don't think I can finish this post right now...too much to think about and I really have to use the restroom.

::wika wika fast forward::

okay that was all written in the past, but I'm gonna post it now and then i'm gonna post another, current update.

over and out,
j$$$

Cats Armadillos Newts Camels Elephants Rats

Don't smoke, you'll get lung cancer.
Oh and don't even step foot near someone who smokes, secondhand smoke can cause cancer too!
Don't you dare step foot outside without sunscreen on, you'll get skin cancer.
Ultraviolet radiation, dontcha know?
Don't grow old because, you know, "most cancers occur in people over the age of 65."
Oh, but don't fret! People of all ages, yes children and infants as well, can get cancer!
Don't use your cellphone--don't even keep it anywhere near you...the wireless signals that it emits are radioactive and can cause cancer.
Better stop sipping on that cocktail, it'll cause cancer--throat, mouth, esophagus, larynx, liver, breast...should I continue?
Careful with that hepatitis, you might get cancer too.
Ladies, watch the amount of hormones you're giving your body, wouldn't wanna get cancer.
Well shit, your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and parents all died of cancer? Peace out see you later...
You're eating a candy bar?! God forbid! All that fatty food and soon you'll have cancer in your colon, uterus, or prostate!
Oh and you haven't worked out since last week? Careful, you're at risk for breast cancer, colon cancer, cancer in your kidney, uterus, esophagus...

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're experiencing any of the following symptoms, please see your doctor immediately...it could be cancer:
A thickening or lump in the breast or any other part of the body, a new mole or a change in an existing mole, a sore that does not heal, hoarseness or a cough that does not go away, discomfort after eating, a hard time swallowing, weight gain or loss with no known reason, feeling weak or tired.

Fuck, can someone just find the cure already

Stoned

So, i've been hanging out with my 16 year old brother and his friends a lot since this summer has started. It's not that I don't have friends, it's just that I have trouble keeping in touch with my friends--and most of us have changed dramatically since we've graduated. Of course I still have a few homies out here from high school, and we've all been kicking it too. Oh ps. I'm done using fake names unless it's something that truly needs to remain anonymous. Gosh I have so much to talk about and only 23 minutes of battery left on my comp (with no charger)...and my brain's moving pretty slowly right now :-) SO, back to Luca and his friends. Although they may be 3-4 yrs younger than me, they entertain me more than I've ever been entertained. They are all such close friends and it makes me so happy to see them all together. Plus, they all like me and treat me really well...I know I can trust them for sure. Jack, luca's bff, is for sure my favoritest (sorry homies). I trust him with everything. He knows all my secrets, he knows how to make me happy, he's awesomeeeee. Love you boo! So yeah, the group of boys are my new besties. ...of course there's drama, but that's a secret--and what kinda friends don't have drama anyways, right?

next on my list: nick and I have pretty much stopped talking and mostly stopped seeing each other. The last time I saw him was at a martial arts party...........he was there with his girlfriend. FOR SURE...so dope...NOT. As much of an asshole as I know he is, I can't help but think about him every now and then. No one special in my life right now...too bad. Buuut, I know the time will come when I find someone.

I LOST 11 POUNDS! I've been on this diet called Lindora. Basically it's a high protein, low carb, low cholesterol diet. I get to eat 6 times a day--3 meals, 3 snacks. Breakfast is one protein and one grain or fruit. Lunch and dinner consist of a protein, fruit, veggie, and lettuce with dressing. All snacks are just one protein, i.e 6 oz tofu, turkey burger, a cup of milk, cold cuts, pretty much any lean meatl so that's that.

Luca made a new friend named Peeok, He's gorgeous...2 feet tall, so classy, he's smokinnnn hot.

I had more to say, but right now that's all I can remember. Sorry it's been so long since I've updated.

Over and out,
J-Money

"What you got boy is hard to find. I think about it all the time"

When somebody dies, you have to learn to accept it--at least, that's what I'm told. But have you ever lost someone and found yourself thinking from time to time: "I think I'm going to call [so-and-so] today," and then realizing that you can't? It's always such an odd feeling. We're never "supposed" to lose those people close to us; I always thought that other people could lose their parents or best friend, but not me...never me..."my parents are never going to die." It's not an easy thought to come to terms with. I mean, no, I'm not going to spend my whole life waiting for the day that my [person in family] dies just so that when he/she does in fact die, I can go on being sad and waiting for the next person to die. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that our lives are filled with fears: fear of confrontation, fear of loss, fear of love, fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of poverty, fear of pain, fear of people...I sometimes forget that everyone else has probably just as many fears as I do, give or take a few.

I have been soooo happy these past few weeks. I've made new friends, and I've kept in touch with my old friends. I've been acting like an adult, working like an adult, and living like an adult. I even feel like an adult in terms of my love life...I'd gotten so lonely, that I got desperate. I approached every guy/girl that I found remotely attractive, and once I felt anything in return from them, I'd start pushing. I got so intense that I probably scared them away. It took me a while, but I've finally realized that if I just stop looking for someone, that person will come naturally. And that's how it should be! And, I deserve the right to be picky...I spent the last 6+ years of my life being anything but picky with a certain...how do I say it, asshole. Now, I can be picky. I'm done settling. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now...I definitely don't; school and work are my top priorities. I'm just saying that I know that I deserve someone special.

I've stayed up till 6 o'clock in the fucking morning TWICE this week! Noooo idea why...I mean, I was spending time with some really good people, and I was having a lot of fun, but I really can't stay up that late anymore. It's so exhausting! Have you ever done it? blahhhh.

anyways, I'm happy and I'm having a good summer. I hope you all are too!

Over and out,
J-Money

The feeling of having an arm draped over you while you're sleeping is...heavenly. The weight pushing down over your stomach; waking up feeling scared, and finding it resting there, and being able to grab onto it and fall back asleep. The feeling of having someone else's arm draped over you while you're sleeping is heavenly. The protection you feel; the warmth it gives you; the connection to another person's body. I love it. Opening my eyes and seeing another person next to me--whether it be a girlfriend/boyfriend, best friend, etc--makes me smile. I've missed that quite a bit.

i'll never be your beast of burden

I'm drunk. I'm not too blind to see. Pretty girls. Honey pass the chex mix. Charles shaw. Marlboro reds. Stiff as barbie. Fuzzy orange things. Sleep. J. R. Boys. Girls. Red blankets. Crokked rain. Hot hot heat. Slanted and enchated. Bleach. Devils. Sweating. Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? Loneliness? Wedding shower. Sex?--never... False positives. Ouch! It stungggg me. I'm bringin home my baby bumble bee. Writing in my blog? Choosing my blog over my friends? No!!! Why don't you come back into this room then? I have to pee? The little mermaid and three fans. Michael don't fall asleep! Comfortable on the comforter! To be perfectly honest, I like that you like driving. I farted! --not me. Where are you sleeping? Just don't get sick on boats. You're gonna be one of those girls whose bras gets frozen. "Yeah Jules!" That's weird. Ughhhh the eagles? Fuckin bloggin? You're gonna be very happy tomorrow morning when you read this and you're like, "::gasp:: hahahaha!" Get the fuck back here. Crunch crunch crunch.life in the fast lane, bitch. What's the matter with your life, why you gotta mess with mine? They had one thing in common, they were good in bed. Ohmygod I thought I deleted the blog. Too toired to fight about it. Goodnight loneliness. Drunkenness. Bonne nuit, je t'aime. Solid as a rock. Ouchhhh spiderman.