"Sittin' on the dock of the bay, wasting time"

It's been a longggg day! I went for a hike with Kristofferson and Joni today. It was absolutely beautiful, and really gorgeous. --Oh fuck it, I don't really feel like talking about my day, as relaxing as it was. I had a jacket in Olive's room, and since we're not talking, she decided to throw it on the floor in front of my door...she could've just as easily laid it nicely on the pile of boxes next to my door, or hung it on my door handle--but no. If that's the way she wants it to be then that's fine...I'm not really the best person to make enemies with though.

I talked a lot about my life today on the hike...fuck, my life has been hard. It makes me so angry--I lost my innocence at such a young age...and it wasn't because my mommy sat me down and told me about the real world. I had to learn it all the hard way, and I think that that fucking sucks. Sometimes I just wanna gather a backpack full of things that I need--not in that group of things would be my phone, my computer, and my ipod--and I wanna catch a plane to Costa Rica. I just wanna get away from all the chaos. I want to face my fears...I want to really, honestly think about my life and work through my problems and my stress. It's really getting to be too much for me to handle:

one of my uncles on my dad's side recently finished his 6 month long hepatitis treatment. fast forward 2 months or so, and he gets back some odd test results from a blood test he had taken. 6 weeks later we find out that his hep is back and he has to undergo a year and a half of treatment--his mother just fucking died, and he has no one to take care of him or be with him...I don't get it. It makes me so angry. The treatment is extremely tedious and painful. He's been in enough pain already--when is it going to fucking stop.

my aunt, whom we call Boulette, on my dad's side is also going through an extremely rough time after the loss of my grandmother. She took Grand Mere's death really hard. The doctor put her on some really strong anti-depressants, but he also suggested that she be checked into a psychiatric ward for her severe depression......................WHAT.THE.FUCK. whatthefuck!?!? honestly i'm just angry now. no, i'm a very strong mixture of sad and angry--sangry?

I just feel like disappearing for a little while. Getting my school work done has been nearly impossible. I want to be with my mommy and daddy right now. I want everybody to be together. My dad has started going back to AA meetings--I'm really proud of him for doing it. I love him so so much, and I miss him so so much.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Since these new anti-depressants, my sleep pattern has been fucked. I wake up multiple times throughout the night, and no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep. ...or maybe it's from the depression. Either way, I'm getting pretty sick of it.

Over and out!
J-Money

"Mama always told me not to look into the eye's of the sun. But mama, that's where the fun is"

Nothing too interesting happened today. I felt a little better, emotionally. Had a super awkward confrontation with Olive Oyl, after changing my facebook relationship status from "married to Olive Oyl" to "single" though. She thinks that I'm "mad" at her...at least that's what she tells Pancake. How the fuck can she not get it!? To fill you in on the details, here's the long story short: she was madly in love with what seemed like a pretty amazing guy--I'll call him "Ahoy." Anyways, before Olive Oyl, Ahoy was dating Olive Oyl's best friend at the time Pippi Longstocking. Olive Oyl fell for Ahoy, and Ahoy fell for Olive Oyl and Pippi was out of the picture...just like that. So there is the first situation where Olive chose a guy over her friends. Then, a while later, Ahoy broke up with Olive--he broke her heart over the phone. And I was there for her, 100% of the time. My girlfriend, Smith, and I even broke up over it (she was jealous that I couldn't put her first on my list of priorities). Then, Spring Break rolled around and Olive and Ahoy started talking again. When I got back from France, I was heart broken--of course--because I had just sat in a hospital room for 10 days with my dying grandmother. Less than a week after I was back at school, April 1st to be exact, my grand mere died. I wanted to spend the weekend with my friends, but Olive said that she had already made plans to be with Ahoy that weekend (yes, the whole fucking weekend), and that she couldn't just cancel them... I expressed how I felt about this multiple ways, but none of my attempts seemed to work. She only ended up staying at school that weekend because Ahoy couldn't get a car to come pick her up...and even thoughshe was at school that weekend, I barely saw her...she sat in her room most of the weekend playing a stupid video game and saying that she was too tired to do anything. OBVIOUSLY, I've lost trust in her. And I'm far past the point of being mad now...I just don't want to be her friend. When I was in a time of serious need, she could not be there for me. So no, Olive, I am not mad at you, I just have lost all my trust in our friendship...and frankly? I don't think there really is hope of much of a friendship in the future.

I also wanted to talk a little bit about my day today. As I said in my post yesterday, I owe $260 in parking tickets to my school. Today was my first day of volunteer work to make up the money that I owe. I was pretty much given a lot of busy work, but most of it was very tedious. I found myself CRAVING the adderall. In high school, speed was my drug of choice--whether it be in the form of a powder that I snorted up my nose, or a pill that I swallowed multiple times a day. All the work that I was doing today was work that would've been much easier and much faster done with the help of the drug. I'm at such a stressful period in my life, and I wish I could be normal and just take 1 pill and be fine for the day...but I know that if I were to take one pill, I'd end up finishing the entire bottle of pills, and licking it clean--plus, I don't really have access to the drug...although I'm sure I could find it easily. I haven't had a craving like this in quite a while, and I'm really starting to think that maybe the drug could just get me out of this little tangle that I'm in, and then I could go off of it. What do you think??