"Mama always told me not to look into the eye's of the sun. But mama, that's where the fun is"

Nothing too interesting happened today. I felt a little better, emotionally. Had a super awkward confrontation with Olive Oyl, after changing my facebook relationship status from "married to Olive Oyl" to "single" though. She thinks that I'm "mad" at her...at least that's what she tells Pancake. How the fuck can she not get it!? To fill you in on the details, here's the long story short: she was madly in love with what seemed like a pretty amazing guy--I'll call him "Ahoy." Anyways, before Olive Oyl, Ahoy was dating Olive Oyl's best friend at the time Pippi Longstocking. Olive Oyl fell for Ahoy, and Ahoy fell for Olive Oyl and Pippi was out of the picture...just like that. So there is the first situation where Olive chose a guy over her friends. Then, a while later, Ahoy broke up with Olive--he broke her heart over the phone. And I was there for her, 100% of the time. My girlfriend, Smith, and I even broke up over it (she was jealous that I couldn't put her first on my list of priorities). Then, Spring Break rolled around and Olive and Ahoy started talking again. When I got back from France, I was heart broken--of course--because I had just sat in a hospital room for 10 days with my dying grandmother. Less than a week after I was back at school, April 1st to be exact, my grand mere died. I wanted to spend the weekend with my friends, but Olive said that she had already made plans to be with Ahoy that weekend (yes, the whole fucking weekend), and that she couldn't just cancel them... I expressed how I felt about this multiple ways, but none of my attempts seemed to work. She only ended up staying at school that weekend because Ahoy couldn't get a car to come pick her up...and even thoughshe was at school that weekend, I barely saw her...she sat in her room most of the weekend playing a stupid video game and saying that she was too tired to do anything. OBVIOUSLY, I've lost trust in her. And I'm far past the point of being mad now...I just don't want to be her friend. When I was in a time of serious need, she could not be there for me. So no, Olive, I am not mad at you, I just have lost all my trust in our friendship...and frankly? I don't think there really is hope of much of a friendship in the future.

I also wanted to talk a little bit about my day today. As I said in my post yesterday, I owe $260 in parking tickets to my school. Today was my first day of volunteer work to make up the money that I owe. I was pretty much given a lot of busy work, but most of it was very tedious. I found myself CRAVING the adderall. In high school, speed was my drug of choice--whether it be in the form of a powder that I snorted up my nose, or a pill that I swallowed multiple times a day. All the work that I was doing today was work that would've been much easier and much faster done with the help of the drug. I'm at such a stressful period in my life, and I wish I could be normal and just take 1 pill and be fine for the day...but I know that if I were to take one pill, I'd end up finishing the entire bottle of pills, and licking it clean--plus, I don't really have access to the drug...although I'm sure I could find it easily. I haven't had a craving like this in quite a while, and I'm really starting to think that maybe the drug could just get me out of this little tangle that I'm in, and then I could go off of it. What do you think??

"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

I am overwhelmed--no, overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling...I don't think there is one, lonely word that can describe my current state. These past few weeks have been some of the roughest of my life. I watched my father experience a kind of pain that nobody should experience, but that everybody does experience at some point in life...I watched my grandmother die. I got my heart broken by a friend, who I thought would always be here for me. And I realized that my abuse of alcohol has grown. Why is it so easy to forget your pain and fears when you're drunk? I used to do it with drugs, and with sex and abusive relationships...it never stops. My friend and current hookup buddy, Jack Daniels, has been making this even more obvious for me. She's telling me that my priorities are fucked and that my drinking is out of control...I know this already, and I sure as hell don't need her rubbing it in my face even more.

Anyways, I should probably list the good things that are happening in my life: I had an amazing workout with Kristofferson and Pancake this morning, and we made pizza last night, then watched Coco Before Chanel--that was lots of fun...but I fell asleep during the movie. Went dancing thursday night with Pancake, Mermaid, and Pigeon...then I found out that Pigeon is engaged--what the fuck?? She spent the night hooking up with me, and then told me--via mother fucking text-- that she's engaged!!! Way to fuck with my emotions.----okay so I guess that's not really a positive...Let's get back to the positives: last weekend, I had possibly the best weekend of my life...no joke. It consisted of seeing a midnight movie at the Piedmont movie theater (Jurassic Park), drinking butt loads of champagne, going to Fairyland with Mermaid and Pancake and her little brothers, and putting together a suuuuper awesome easter egg hunt for Mermaid, Joni Mitchell, Kristofferson, and Mustache City--the egg hunt was in the rain, which made it more fun (at least for me). This weekend was pretty decent as well, aside for getting pretty torn up by Pigeon, and arguing with JD.

I know that these "code names" that I've given people are pretty ridiculous, but I think that they add some sort of humor to the post...and each of them has a meaning behind it. Eventually, I'll start shortening the names, but for now, this is how you'll get to know these people.

I'm stressed out of my god damn mind... I have a paper due Tuesday that I already got a week long extension on, and I haven't fucking started it. I also have another paper that's weeks overdue that I should probably get started on. On top of that, I owe $260 to my school from all the parking tickets that I have...they're letting me pay it back through work, but $260 is equivalent to 26 hours of work...my schedule this weekend is soooo fucked. I also have to change my major from French to Child Development, and my minor from Anthropology to French--I should've done this a long time ago, but I've been procrastinating because I know that my current advisor--whom I absolutely love--is going to be heart broken by my change of major.

This is my first post here...I'm sorry it's so long, I've just had a lot to say. Please feel free to comment whatever you'd like to say--I'm open to any comments. And thanks for reading... The drama will continue, I can assure you.