I am afraid to grow old. And I am afraid of dying.

She's a whore. I pimp her out.

Okay so my last post may have been a little dramatic, but shit it's so hard to be optimistic about cancer when I lost one of the most special people in my life to it. ...she wasn't supposed to die.

Anyways, I'm sorry for being so negative. Cancer does suck, but it's really important to be optimistic in times like these, and I realize that. I've been having a tough first semester this year--got pretty sick the second week in, landing myself in the ER. The week after that I got strep throat, but I didn't know it was strep so I did nothing to take care of it until the following week...so painful. Anyways, I've had pretty much a different illness every week (I guess that's what working two jobs with kids and being a full-time college student will do to you), and now we only have 4 weeks of school left!!! That's nothing! Then it's winter break and then January 17th I'm off to Paris for the semester! It's amazing to think that I'll be living in France next semester...I've missed spending time there, and I miss my family there so much.

To be honest, I'm really scared--a year ago I would never have second guessed this move, but now that I don't have Grandmere to go to when I feel homesick, I don't really know what to do. France will be so different without her... All my memories of that country are memories that have been made with her. I traveled much of that country with her. I remember when I was little-she was living in a beautiful house in Arcachon at the time-she would take me to this "animal park" of sorts called La Cocinelle (that means ladybug in french). It was pretty much a petting zoo-you'd buy the animal food before you went in, and then you could feed them as much as you want. She'd always buy me the biggest food bag available-cuz she'd spoil me like that-and I'd always end up spilling it when we got to the section with the goats. Those goats were fucking crazy...I had really long hair back then, and they wanted to eat that more than they wanted to eat the food. That park still exists-actually, I think me and my dad drove past it last time I went to france (last april when I went to say goodbye to her).

This blog isn't for me to complain about my life, it's just to share with you guys what's goin on with all the drama. I love drama...not going to lie. Well, I love most drama. My life is drama filled--one thing after another. I work, I go to school, I fight with my friends, I fight with my parents, I party...I do the same shit most college students do, but I just choose to share it all. Of course I'm gonna complain about shit, but just be aware that this blog is not just for me to vent.

Okay, so i'm a little tipsy right now...I wasn't when I wrote those last few paragraphs, but now I am.

So, let's get all philosophical and shit here--is "philosophical" the right word? hmmm. So ANYWAYS, I think that I've finally figured out who my real friends are this semester. People can be so deceiving! I spent the last two years of my life practically in a relationship with my best friend, and this year we have a pretty serious fight and that's the end of it...2 years down the drain practically. At first, i was so confused and so sad and i didn't know what to do with myself...now, I've learned to cope. I lost someone who I had a lot of trust in--it SUCKS, but hey, I guess that's life...and shouldn't I have been expecting that? Gotten fucked over enough times in my life that I should know not to trust anyone...lame. I don't think I can finish this post right now...too much to think about and I really have to use the restroom.

::wika wika fast forward::

okay that was all written in the past, but I'm gonna post it now and then i'm gonna post another, current update.

over and out,
j$$$

Cats Armadillos Newts Camels Elephants Rats

Don't smoke, you'll get lung cancer.
Oh and don't even step foot near someone who smokes, secondhand smoke can cause cancer too!
Don't you dare step foot outside without sunscreen on, you'll get skin cancer.
Ultraviolet radiation, dontcha know?
Don't grow old because, you know, "most cancers occur in people over the age of 65."
Oh, but don't fret! People of all ages, yes children and infants as well, can get cancer!
Don't use your cellphone--don't even keep it anywhere near you...the wireless signals that it emits are radioactive and can cause cancer.
Better stop sipping on that cocktail, it'll cause cancer--throat, mouth, esophagus, larynx, liver, breast...should I continue?
Careful with that hepatitis, you might get cancer too.
Ladies, watch the amount of hormones you're giving your body, wouldn't wanna get cancer.
Well shit, your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and parents all died of cancer? Peace out see you later...
You're eating a candy bar?! God forbid! All that fatty food and soon you'll have cancer in your colon, uterus, or prostate!
Oh and you haven't worked out since last week? Careful, you're at risk for breast cancer, colon cancer, cancer in your kidney, uterus, esophagus...

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're experiencing any of the following symptoms, please see your doctor immediately...it could be cancer:
A thickening or lump in the breast or any other part of the body, a new mole or a change in an existing mole, a sore that does not heal, hoarseness or a cough that does not go away, discomfort after eating, a hard time swallowing, weight gain or loss with no known reason, feeling weak or tired.

Fuck, can someone just find the cure already