Don't smoke, you'll get lung cancer.
Oh and don't even step foot near someone who smokes, secondhand smoke can cause cancer too!
Don't you dare step foot outside without sunscreen on, you'll get skin cancer.
Ultraviolet radiation, dontcha know?
Don't grow old because, you know, "most cancers occur in people over the age of 65."
Oh, but don't fret! People of all ages, yes children and infants as well, can get cancer!
Don't use your cellphone--don't even keep it anywhere near you...the wireless signals that it emits are radioactive and can cause cancer.
Better stop sipping on that cocktail, it'll cause cancer--throat, mouth, esophagus, larynx, liver, breast...should I continue?
Careful with that hepatitis, you might get cancer too.
Ladies, watch the amount of hormones you're giving your body, wouldn't wanna get cancer.
Well shit, your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and parents all died of cancer? Peace out see you later...
You're eating a candy bar?! God forbid! All that fatty food and soon you'll have cancer in your colon, uterus, or prostate!
Oh and you haven't worked out since last week? Careful, you're at risk for breast cancer, colon cancer, cancer in your kidney, uterus, esophagus...
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're experiencing any of the following symptoms, please see your doctor immediately...it could be cancer:
A thickening or lump in the breast or any other part of the body, a new mole or a change in an existing mole, a sore that does not heal, hoarseness or a cough that does not go away, discomfort after eating, a hard time swallowing, weight gain or loss with no known reason, feeling weak or tired.
Fuck, can someone just find the cure already