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Thursday, May 27, 2010

"What you got boy is hard to find. I think about it all the time"

When somebody dies, you have to learn to accept it--at least, that's what I'm told. But have you ever lost someone and found yourself thinking from time to time: "I think I'm going to call [so-and-so] today," and then realizing that you can't? It's always such an odd feeling. We're never "supposed" to lose those people close to us; I always thought that other people could lose their parents or best friend, but not me...never me..."my parents are never going to die." It's not an easy thought to come to terms with. I mean, no, I'm not going to spend my whole life waiting for the day that my [person in family] dies just so that when he/she does in fact die, I can go on being sad and waiting for the next person to die. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that our lives are filled with fears: fear of confrontation, fear of loss, fear of love, fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of poverty, fear of pain, fear of people...I sometimes forget that everyone else has probably just as many fears as I do, give or take a few.

I have been soooo happy these past few weeks. I've made new friends, and I've kept in touch with my old friends. I've been acting like an adult, working like an adult, and living like an adult. I even feel like an adult in terms of my love life...I'd gotten so lonely, that I got desperate. I approached every guy/girl that I found remotely attractive, and once I felt anything in return from them, I'd start pushing. I got so intense that I probably scared them away. It took me a while, but I've finally realized that if I just stop looking for someone, that person will come naturally. And that's how it should be! And, I deserve the right to be picky...I spent the last 6+ years of my life being anything but picky with a do I say it, asshole. Now, I can be picky. I'm done settling. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now...I definitely don't; school and work are my top priorities. I'm just saying that I know that I deserve someone special.

I've stayed up till 6 o'clock in the fucking morning TWICE this week! Noooo idea why...I mean, I was spending time with some really good people, and I was having a lot of fun, but I really can't stay up that late anymore. It's so exhausting! Have you ever done it? blahhhh.

anyways, I'm happy and I'm having a good summer. I hope you all are too!

Over and out,

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The feeling of having an arm draped over you while you're sleeping is...heavenly. The weight pushing down over your stomach; waking up feeling scared, and finding it resting there, and being able to grab onto it and fall back asleep. The feeling of having someone else's arm draped over you while you're sleeping is heavenly. The protection you feel; the warmth it gives you; the connection to another person's body. I love it. Opening my eyes and seeing another person next to me--whether it be a girlfriend/boyfriend, best friend, etc--makes me smile. I've missed that quite a bit.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

i'll never be your beast of burden

I'm drunk. I'm not too blind to see. Pretty girls. Honey pass the chex mix. Charles shaw. Marlboro reds. Stiff as barbie. Fuzzy orange things. Sleep. J. R. Boys. Girls. Red blankets. Crokked rain. Hot hot heat. Slanted and enchated. Bleach. Devils. Sweating. Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? Loneliness? Wedding shower. Sex?--never... False positives. Ouch! It stungggg me. I'm bringin home my baby bumble bee. Writing in my blog? Choosing my blog over my friends? No!!! Why don't you come back into this room then? I have to pee? The little mermaid and three fans. Michael don't fall asleep! Comfortable on the comforter! To be perfectly honest, I like that you like driving. I farted! --not me. Where are you sleeping? Just don't get sick on boats. You're gonna be one of those girls whose bras gets frozen. "Yeah Jules!" That's weird. Ughhhh the eagles? Fuckin bloggin? You're gonna be very happy tomorrow morning when you read this and you're like, "::gasp:: hahahaha!" Get the fuck back here. Crunch crunch in the fast lane, bitch. What's the matter with your life, why you gotta mess with mine? They had one thing in common, they were good in bed. Ohmygod I thought I deleted the blog. Too toired to fight about it. Goodnight loneliness. Drunkenness. Bonne nuit, je t'aime. Solid as a rock. Ouchhhh spiderman.

Friday, May 14, 2010

"Develop a negative into a positive picture"

It's been a long day, and I'm beyond exhausted. But, on the bright side, I just had a conversation with someone that made me smile--both the person and the conversation made me smile. Now, off to dreams of "red bugs with black spots."

Over and out,

Monday, May 10, 2010

"Je Me Souviens"

Je me souviens quand on a fait les batards dans ta rue,
Je me souviens quand moi et luca ont pris un bain chez toi et nous avons fait un grande bordelle dans ta salle de bain,
Je me souviens quand j'ai resté tout un jour dans la piscine de grand mère parce que j'ai voulait sauver toutes les cocinelle qui
ont tombée là-dedans,
Je me souviens quand on est resté tout un jour devant la télé pour jouer du playstation,
Je me souviens quand je suis allé à Lyon avec grand mère et on a trouvé beaucoup de coquillages,
Je me souviens le petit garçon, Atienne, a Ryon qui a voulait me baiser,
Je me souviens quand Grace a dessiner toutes les dessins animé sur mon corps,
Je me souviens quand Grace a dessiner un grosse bitte sur ma cheville, et grand mère a vu...elle n'était pas contente du tout.
Je me souviens tous les temps ou je suis allé au supermarché avec grand mère, et elle m'a laissé pousser le petit chariot,
Je me souviens tous les jours ou grand mère a acheté les beignier pour moi et du creme marron, pour l'heure du thé,
Je me rappelle l'odeur des pipes de grandpè l'aimais trop,
Je me souviens très bien du jour où grandpère est mort et j'étais seul dans la maison avec Grandmère; je ne savais pas quoi faire,
Je me souviens l'odeur de la boutique de photographie de toi et Pascal,
Je me souviens tous les jours de la Bastille ou on a regardé les feu d'artifices,
Je me souviens la première fois que je suis allé en France toute seule. Je suis restée pendant trois heures derrière un bureau.
Je t'aime.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

"Dear Mama:

Shout out to my mommy and gmere! Happy mother's day. I love you both, beaucoupppp.

Over and out,

Friday, May 7, 2010

"You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you"

He was white. They always blame the black man or the brown man. As of 2008 (I know, that's a while back), black men were jailed at a rate more than 6.5 times that of white guys, and 2.5 that of Hispanic men. At the end of 2007 there were 3,138 Black male prisoners per 100,000 Black men in the United States. The second highest is the rate of 1,259 Hispanic male prisoners per 100,000 Hispanic men, compared with 481 White male prisoners per 100,000 White men. Although these statistics are from a while back, it can kind of give you an idea of how fucked up the prison system is. A lot of people are being "let off the the hook" because of their stature, whether it be money or race.

He.was.white. Sure, I've had a lot of fucked up shit happen in my life, and I've had bad experiences with people of several colors, but this was the worst thing and he was white.

I haven't thought about it in a while, but it came into my head today while I was driving--I have no idea where it came from, but it came. It frustrates me, the way this system works...this government...this country in general, actually. Nothing really seems fair to me. Women are still so inferior to men, and people of color are still so inferior to "the white man." Yay, we have an "African-American" president...but things have still barely changed. There's just so much wrong, I don't even know where to start or what to start with. Not all people of color are bad, and not all white people are good--so those who think that...well, you can just go fuck yourselves.

Over and out.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

"Can't keep runnin away"

I don't know what to say...I've been staring at these blank pages for days. Your height, the way you carry yourself. I look up to you. I want you to hold me tight. Keep me safe and nestled in your branches. The words that come out of your mouth intimidate me. Scare me. But draw me closer. Make me curious. Do you realize how powerful you are?
My cinco de mayo was absolutely amazing--except for one thing...I didn't have a date! I'm really ready to start dating now...I've been single for far too long and I don't like itttt. Somebody come and sweep me awayyy. Steal my heart. Make it jump out of my chest from the power created by the speed of its beat.

Over and out!

Monday, May 3, 2010

"Ain't no mountain high enough! Ain't no valley low enough! Ain't no river wide enough, to keep me from you!"

So, I've very recently--as in today--come to a realization that I should have come to terms with quite a while ago. What I'm about to say does not mean that I have lost my love for women...I still love, and will always be attracted to women; and this does not mean that I do not want to stop dating women.

The realization:

There have been a lot of bad guys in my life--good guys too, but more bad guys. I think that because of this, I lost quite a bit of trust in men, in general. I couldn't picture myself dating one, and the idea of having heterosexual sex just seemed absolutely repulsive...the last time I did that, memories came back that I did not want to remember. So because of all this, women were the main (and mostly only) focus in my life (in terms of attraction) seemed sort of extreme, I guess. And because I hated being alone, I'd find myself settling--so it ended up that the women I was with were either crazy or treated me like shit or had absolutely nothing in common with me. Really, in the long term, it doesn't have to do with a person's sex or genitalia, it's really just about who he or she is as a person. So anyways, I would settle...and then I'd find myself crushing on someone who was either (a) too good for me or (b) not ever gonna be attracted to me.

...okay this doesn't seem to make any sense, I should just get to the point:

Because of the many bad experiences I've had with men, I was grouping all of them into one category: BAD. I refused to come to terms with the fact that not all men are disloyal or aggressive or emotionless--not all men are going to hurt me.

Tonight, I spent a little bit of time with someone I consider a friend, and just through a 15 minute conversation that I had with him, and the words that he spoke, I realized that there really are good guys out there. I have to try to open up my heart again, and see the good in people. Of course it will be hard, of course there will be a lot of hesitation, but I deserve to be happy...I shouldn't let my past traumas take over my life.

Oh and ps. this friend that I talked to tonight? I've got a crush on him.