When somebody dies, you have to learn to accept it--at least, that's what I'm told. But have you ever lost someone and found yourself thinking from time to time: "I think I'm going to call [so-and-so] today," and then realizing that you can't? It's always such an odd feeling. We're never "supposed" to lose those people close to us; I always thought that other people could lose their parents or best friend, but not me...never me..."my parents are never going to die." It's not an easy thought to come to terms with. I mean, no, I'm not going to spend my whole life waiting for the day that my [person in family] dies just so that when he/she does in fact die, I can go on being sad and waiting for the next person to die. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that our lives are filled with fears: fear of confrontation, fear of loss, fear of love, fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of poverty, fear of pain, fear of people...I sometimes forget that everyone else has probably just as many fears as I do, give or take a few.
I have been soooo happy these past few weeks. I've made new friends, and I've kept in touch with my old friends. I've been acting like an adult, working like an adult, and living like an adult. I even feel like an adult in terms of my love life...I'd gotten so lonely, that I got desperate. I approached every guy/girl that I found remotely attractive, and once I felt anything in return from them, I'd start pushing. I got so intense that I probably scared them away. It took me a while, but I've finally realized that if I just stop looking for someone, that person will come naturally. And that's how it should be! And, I deserve the right to be picky...I spent the last 6+ years of my life being anything but picky with a certain...how do I say it, asshole. Now, I can be picky. I'm done settling. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now...I definitely don't; school and work are my top priorities. I'm just saying that I know that I deserve someone special.
I've stayed up till 6 o'clock in the fucking morning TWICE this week! Noooo idea why...I mean, I was spending time with some really good people, and I was having a lot of fun, but I really can't stay up that late anymore. It's so exhausting! Have you ever done it? blahhhh.
anyways, I'm happy and I'm having a good summer. I hope you all are too!
Over and out,