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Monday, May 3, 2010

"Ain't no mountain high enough! Ain't no valley low enough! Ain't no river wide enough, to keep me from you!"

So, I've very recently--as in today--come to a realization that I should have come to terms with quite a while ago. What I'm about to say does not mean that I have lost my love for women...I still love, and will always be attracted to women; and this does not mean that I do not want to stop dating women.

The realization:

There have been a lot of bad guys in my life--good guys too, but more bad guys. I think that because of this, I lost quite a bit of trust in men, in general. I couldn't picture myself dating one, and the idea of having heterosexual sex just seemed absolutely repulsive...the last time I did that, memories came back that I did not want to remember. So because of all this, women were the main (and mostly only) focus in my life (in terms of attraction) seemed sort of extreme, I guess. And because I hated being alone, I'd find myself settling--so it ended up that the women I was with were either crazy or treated me like shit or had absolutely nothing in common with me. Really, in the long term, it doesn't have to do with a person's sex or genitalia, it's really just about who he or she is as a person. So anyways, I would settle...and then I'd find myself crushing on someone who was either (a) too good for me or (b) not ever gonna be attracted to me.

...okay this doesn't seem to make any sense, I should just get to the point:

Because of the many bad experiences I've had with men, I was grouping all of them into one category: BAD. I refused to come to terms with the fact that not all men are disloyal or aggressive or emotionless--not all men are going to hurt me.

Tonight, I spent a little bit of time with someone I consider a friend, and just through a 15 minute conversation that I had with him, and the words that he spoke, I realized that there really are good guys out there. I have to try to open up my heart again, and see the good in people. Of course it will be hard, of course there will be a lot of hesitation, but I deserve to be happy...I shouldn't let my past traumas take over my life.

Oh and ps. this friend that I talked to tonight? I've got a crush on him.