Search This Blog

Saturday, April 17, 2010

"Sittin' on the dock of the bay, wasting time"

It's been a longggg day! I went for a hike with Kristofferson and Joni today. It was absolutely beautiful, and really gorgeous. --Oh fuck it, I don't really feel like talking about my day, as relaxing as it was. I had a jacket in Olive's room, and since we're not talking, she decided to throw it on the floor in front of my door...she could've just as easily laid it nicely on the pile of boxes next to my door, or hung it on my door handle--but no. If that's the way she wants it to be then that's fine...I'm not really the best person to make enemies with though.

I talked a lot about my life today on the hike...fuck, my life has been hard. It makes me so angry--I lost my innocence at such a young age...and it wasn't because my mommy sat me down and told me about the real world. I had to learn it all the hard way, and I think that that fucking sucks. Sometimes I just wanna gather a backpack full of things that I need--not in that group of things would be my phone, my computer, and my ipod--and I wanna catch a plane to Costa Rica. I just wanna get away from all the chaos. I want to face my fears...I want to really, honestly think about my life and work through my problems and my stress. It's really getting to be too much for me to handle:

one of my uncles on my dad's side recently finished his 6 month long hepatitis treatment. fast forward 2 months or so, and he gets back some odd test results from a blood test he had taken. 6 weeks later we find out that his hep is back and he has to undergo a year and a half of treatment--his mother just fucking died, and he has no one to take care of him or be with him...I don't get it. It makes me so angry. The treatment is extremely tedious and painful. He's been in enough pain already--when is it going to fucking stop.

my aunt, whom we call Boulette, on my dad's side is also going through an extremely rough time after the loss of my grandmother. She took Grand Mere's death really hard. The doctor put her on some really strong anti-depressants, but he also suggested that she be checked into a psychiatric ward for her severe depression......................WHAT.THE.FUCK. whatthefuck!?!? honestly i'm just angry now. no, i'm a very strong mixture of sad and angry--sangry?

I just feel like disappearing for a little while. Getting my school work done has been nearly impossible. I want to be with my mommy and daddy right now. I want everybody to be together. My dad has started going back to AA meetings--I'm really proud of him for doing it. I love him so so much, and I miss him so so much.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Since these new anti-depressants, my sleep pattern has been fucked. I wake up multiple times throughout the night, and no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep. ...or maybe it's from the depression. Either way, I'm getting pretty sick of it.

Over and out!

No comments:

Post a Comment